Humor, quips, jokes, cartoons
A bunch of institutional money managers
saying everything will be ok if small investors don’t panic
is like
a herd of bulls in a field
worried that the flies might stampede and cause a lot of damage.
Running helps you live longer.
Real-time antivirus protection is important.
On-demand scanning is like letting yourself get shot during the day
because you plan to pick all the bullets out later that night.
The soup I make takes 3 hours to cook,
but the store only had 1-hour cooking timers,
so I had to buy three of them.
Why is "Mayday!" the international distress call?
| 1. In the early years, many calls were tried (some improvised), but most never survived to become popular. Due to the lack
of standardization (human language not having been invented yet), no one knew what all the yelling
was about and help never came. |
| 2. Others failed for other reasons. "Bring spears and arrows! I'm about to be devoured by a sabre-toothed..." was
found to be too long for practical use in spite of its admirable specificity and the way it created suspense due to the
lack of an ending. |
| 3. When people began experimenting with holiday names, the problem was that most already had slogans and they all
sounded too friendly to use in a disaster. When someone shouted "Happy New Year!", the whole town would shout back in
unison "Happy New Year, Harry!" (or whatever their name was). By the time anyone realized something was wrong, it was too
late. When someone shouted "Happy Birthday!", the mass reply would be "It's not my birthday!" It got to be a running joke,
but a lot of people died that way. |
| 4. So how did Mayday happen? A simple lucky accident. On a nice Spring day, someone in distress shouted "Mayday!" and
everybody came running because it sounded like something real nice and they couldn't wait to see what it was. |
| 5. Or I suppose it could be that Mayday is actually m'aidez, which is French and means "Help me!" |
Infomercial:
"...makes stains disappear right before your eyes."
That's good.
If it made my eyes disappear before the stains, I wouldn't be able to see how well it works.
Real story on the 11PM news:
"Heavy snowfall is expected to begin in about three hours...
Street crews are already out to get a jump on the storm."
They're plowing ahead of time?
What are whales' favorite form of entertainment?
Podcasts!
"Could you please take those eggs out of the carton and separate them?"
"Sure, how far apart do they have to be?"
Oh sure, the cabinetmaker's veneers and plywoods get all
excited
when new drills and augers arrive in the shop,
But eventually they get bored with them.
What day of the month do pirates look forward to?
Patch Tuesday.
England's Queen Elizabeth the First believed that a proper palace should have a front door for receiving dignitaries and a back door for escape in case of emergency. Her successors added staff doors, carriage doors, and, in the 20th century, garage doors. In honor of her simple architectural tastes, Elizabeth is known to this day as the last of the Two-Door Monarchs, and Tudor style homes (using the old spelling) are still popular.
Real news story:
"In the Republican Presidential debate last night, the
candidates spent most of their time
trying to distinguish themselves from each other."...
?
"Are you John McCain or am I?"
"I don't know. I haven't got my glasses. Who are you?"
Statement by a candidate in Washington State during the 2000 campaign:
"...and if elected, I will not be, as my opponent has been in office, undecisive, uh, indecisive."
From a PBS nature show on army ants, although it didn't sound like it:
"...after this, they basically sit around doing nothing until next year,
when
it's once again time to go out on the
campaign trail."
Paraphrased from a website forum:
"We may have our differences of opinion here,
but there's no reason to hurl derogatory epitaphs."
Ouch.
Blame Speech Recognition. That's what I do.
Snowflakes in group therapy:
"When we were falling, we had direction,
but since landing,
we've been adrift."
Identity thief:
"I can't sit around here taking it easy.
I've got places to go and people to be!"
Under the shedding chestnut tree, the village smithy stands
With blank despair writ on his face and chestnuts in his hands.
With bronz'ed back and brawny arms, he leans to pick one up.
He turns it o'er, grimaces, and throws it in a cup.
"Dratted chestnuts," he decries, "they fall upon my head,
"And all night long they clatter on the roof above my bed.
"This tree has been a curse, a bane, the cause of too much sorrow...
"that is why the tree man comes to cut it down tomorrow."
What birds are the most apathetic?
Frigate birds. They just don't care anymore.
My parents tell a story of driving across the country years
ago.
At a gas station in the Midwest,
the attendant had misgivings about leaving for the army.
"They're putting me in the Calvary!" he said.
"I don't even know the first thing about the Calvary."
"There are so many people, is Heaven is going to fill up?"
No, that's very unlikely. The number of people who think they'll go to Heaven is undoubtedly larger than the number who will end up
there. Hell must be brim full (or brimstone full) of people who are incredibly surprised.
Advertising slogan for a company concerned with careful package handling:
"We've learned to think inside the box."
Years ago, a friend of mine worked as a car mechanic out of his home. His rate schedule:
| Basic rate | $20/hour | |
| If you watch | $40/hour | |
| If you help | $80/hour | |
| If you tried to fix it yourself | $90/hour |
Slogan for a medical laboratory:
"We test your patients."
You always hear the stories about people who avoided being in
a plane crash
because they had a terrible premonition and didn’t get on the plane,
but the people who miss ordinary flights because of terrible premonitions
don't tell anyone.
"What's that you're cooking?"
"They're collard greens."
"I can see that. They're very green. What are they?"
1970's ad jingle:
"At Beneficial, you're good for more!"...
Employee to boss: "Should we charge him 18 percent?"
Boss: "No, he's good for more!"
Lines for George Burns and Gracie Allen:
| Gracie: | Blanche says Harry paid an insurance company to send them money every month for the rest of their lives. Should we do that? |
| George: | That's an annuity. |
| Gracie: | Well, it was new to me, too, but she says they've had it for years. |
Question: How much pure creamery butter is just the right amount?
Answer: None!
The psychological approaches of TV advertisers are an endless fountain of nonsense and contradiction:
For men:
"You're tough. You're so tough, even your pain is tough. So you need tough pain relief.
It's not that you're a sissy. Your pain just happens to be as tough and manly as you are."
For women:
"You're a natural woman. Everything about you is natural. Nothing phony for you. That's why you won't accept anything less than completely natural hair color, and ours is the most natural hair color you can put on your hair."
For everybody:
"You're special, unique. Nobody else is quite like you! That's why you...
| -Need car insurance. |
| -Should come to our store and buy the latest fashions everybody else is buying. |
| -Should come to our store and buy an iPod like everybody else. |
| -Should use our cell phone service so you can text your friends like everybody else. |
Watching a nature show
where cheetahs were being released into the wild,
I was worried
because cheetahs never prosper.
Fannee Doolee likes accounting and loves bookkeeping,
but doesn't like money or numbers. Why is that?
What the Enron logo should have been.
Two photons challenged each other to a quantum tunneling race,
but it wasn't a fair contest.
The race was over before it began.
A website demographics estimator once described this website as appealing to a
"...more affluent, very slightly male audience..."
Very slightly male? Gee, thanks.
Nowadays they use the phrase "very slightly male biased".
Our Dwindling Human Population
Each person had 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great-grandparents, and so on. 20 generations ago (about 400 years), you had 1,048,576 ancestors. It took more than a million people to make you, and that's just in the past 400 years! The same for the other 7 billion people alive in the world today. So in 1608, there were 7.34 quadrillion people, far more than history books admit. Where did everybody go?
Do lions have a sense of taste?
Do they ever think,
"This zebra is OK, but that gazelle last week was really tasty!"
Every few weeks, a new medical treatment is proven effective in mice,
and mice everywhere cheer!
Welcome to Timely Manor.
We hope you enjoy your stay.
A picture is worth 1000 words,
but 1000 words use 1/100th the bandwidth.
A picture is worth 1000 words,
unless it's a background image.
Shopping for thesauruses, I settled for Roget's.
Tyrannosaurus is the king of the sauruses, but I couldn't find one.
Allosauruses are not the same.
First encounter with carpenter ants (1988)
The other day I was in the shed and heard a kind of scritch-scritch-scritching,
a noise to set your neck a-itching, but really just a scritch-scritch-scritching
by the woodshed door.
I quickly grabbed a splinter of wood from underneath the place I stood,
and moving as quietly as I could, I peeked between the beams of wood
beside the woodshed door...
When with the wooden dagger I parted the sand-built edifice they'd started,
all around there swarmed and darted the mass of ants that I'd outsmarted
by the woodshed door.
A sea of gnashing jaws and legs carried giant swollen eggs (like bloated rounded whitish kegs)
while with my help around them fell the dirt-crust walls where they would dwell
beside the woodshed door.
Termites, I thought, but then thought not; termites are white, and these were not.
They'd made no holes inside the beams, but piled sand inside the seams.
T'were harmless, since they did not bore, and since I cared to fight no more,
I left them by the woodshed door and vowed to come back nevermore!
When winter comes, I'll need the shed, but by that time they'll all be dead.
Funny pages on other sites
- How To Shoot Yourself In The Foot in Different Programming Languages
- The link goes to a Google Search for this sometimes laugh-out-loud article that exists in many different versions of varying length and quality. Original source unknown.
