Humor, quips, jokes, cartoons

A bunch of institutional money managers
saying everything will be ok if small investors don’t panic
is like a herd of bulls in a field
saying they sure hope the flies don’t stampede.

Running helps you live longer.

The soup I make takes 3 hours to cook,
but the store only had 1-hour cooking timers,
so I had to buy three of them.

Infomercial:
"Our product makes wrinkles disappear right before your eyes!"
Forget the wrinkles, why will it make my eyes disappear?

On the 11PM news:
"Heavy snowfall is expected to begin in about three hours...
Street crews are already out to get a jump on the storm."

I hope they got a lot of snow plowed ahead of time!

Here's a useful maxim:

"Don't plow before the snow falls."

What are whales' favorite form of entertainment?
Podcasts!

Oh sure, the cabinetmaker's veneers and plywoods get all excited
when new drills and augers arrive in the shop,
But eventually they get bored with them.

News story:
"In the Republican Presidential debate last night, the candidates spent most of their time
trying to distinguish themselves from each other."...

?

"Are you John McCain or am I?"
"I don't know. I haven't got my glasses. Who are you?"

Statement by a candidate in Washington State during the 2000 campaign:

"...and if elected, I will not be, as my opponent has been in office, undecisive, uh, indecisive."

From a PBS nature show on army ants, although it didn't sound like it:

"...after this, they basically sit around doing nothing until next year,
when it's once again time to go out on the
campaign trail."

Paraphrased from a website forum:

"We may have our differences of opinion here,
but there's no reason to hurl derogatory epitaphs."

Ouch.
Blame Speech Recognition. That's what I do.

Snowflakes in group therapy:

"When we were falling, we had direction,
but since landing,
we've been adrift."

Identity thief:

"I can't sit around here taking it easy.
I've got places to go and people to be!"

A palindrome:

EVITA PERON INOPERATIVE

Under the shedding chestnut tree, the village smithy stands
With blank despair writ on his face and chestnuts in his hands.
With bronz'ed back and brawny arms, he leans to pick one up.
He turns it o'er, grimaces, and throws it in a cup.
"Dratted chestnuts," he decries, "they fall upon my head,
"And all night long they clatter on the roof above my bed.
"This tree has been a curse, a bane, the cause of too much sorrow...
"that is why the tree man comes to cut it down tomorrow."

What birds are the most apathetic?
Frigate birds. They just don't care anymore.

My parents tell a story of driving across the country years ago.
At a gas station in the Midwest,
the attendant had misgivings about leaving for the army.
"They're putting me in the Calvary!" he said.
"I don't even know the first thing about the Calvary."

"There are so many people, is Heaven is going to fill up?"

No, that's very unlikely. The number of people who think they'll go to Heaven is undoubtedly much larger than the number who will end up there. Oddly enough, one often overlooked characteristic of Hell is that it must be brim full (or brimstone full) of people who are incredibly surprised.

Advertising slogan for a company concerned with careful package handling:

"We've learned to think inside the box."

You always hear the stories about people who avoided being in a plane crash
because they had a terrible premonition and didn’t get on the plane,
but the people who miss ordinary flights because of terrible premonitions
don't tell anyone.

"What's that you're cooking?"
"They're collard greens."
"I can see that. They're very green. What are they?"

1970's ad jingle:
"At Beneficial, you're good for more!"...

Employee to boss: "Should we charge him 18 percent?"
Boss: "No, he's good for more!"

Lines for George Burns and Gracie Allen:

Question: How much pure creamery butter is just the right amount?

Answer: None!

The psychological approaches of TV advertisers are an endless fountain of nonsense and contradiction:

For men:

"You're tough. You're so tough, even your pain is tough. So you need tough pain relief.
It's not that you're a sissy. Your pain just happens to be as tough and manly as you are."

For women:

"You're a natural woman. Everything about you is natural. Nothing phony for you. That's why you won't accept anything less than completely natural hair color, and ours is the most natural hair color you can buy."

For everybody:

"You're special, unique. Nobody else is quite like you. That's why you...

Should shop at our store to buy the latest fashions everybody else is buying,
Should shop at our store to buy an iPod like everybody else,
Should use our cell phone service so you can text your friends like everybody else,
Need to buy car insurance.

Watching a nature show
where cheetahs were being released into the wild,
I was worried
because cheetahs never prosper.

Fannee Doolee likes accounting and loves bookkeeping,
but doesn't like money or numbers. Why is that?

What the Enron logo should have been.

What was U.S. Senator Larry Craig seeking in Minnesota?
If neither party suggested payment, would it be an "unfunded mandate"?

Why might Aqua Velva have been involved?
Because Aqua Velva makes a man feel like a man.

Two photons challenged each other to a quantum tunneling race,
but it wasn't a fair contest.
The race was over before it began.

Our Dwindling Human Population

Each person had 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great-grandparents, 16 great-great-grandparents, and so on.

If you go back 20 generations (about 400 years), you had 1,048,576 ancestors who were living back then. It took more than a million people to make you, and that's just in the past 400 years! The same is true for the other 7 billion people in the world today. So in 1608, there were an amazing 7,340,032,000,000,000 (7.3 quadrillion) people, far more than history books lead you to believe. Where did everybody go?

Bonus question: At the current rate of decline, when will the world's population reach zero?

Do lions have a sense of taste?
Gorging themselves, they don't look very finicky.
But do they ever think,
"This zebra is OK, but that delicious gazelle last week was really tasty!"
Do the cubs ever complain,
"Eeew, mom, this one tastes gamy!"

Every few weeks, a new medical treatment is proven effective in mice,
and mice everywhere cheer!

Welcome to Timely Manor

We hope you enjoy your stay

Shopping for thesauruses, I settled for Roget's
after trying to find a Tyrannosaurus, said to be the king of the-sauruses, 
but I'd never get an allosaurus because allosauruses are not the same!

First encounter with carpenter ants (1988)

The other day I was in the shed and heard a kind of scritch-scritch-scritching,
a noise to set your neck a-itching, but really just a scritch-scritch-scritching
by the woodshed door.

I quickly grabbed a splinter of wood from underneath the place I stood,
and moving as quietly as I could, I peeked between the beams of wood
beside the woodshed door...

When with the wooden dagger I parted the sand-built edifice they'd started,
all around there swarmed and darted the mass of ants that I'd outsmarted
by the woodshed door.

A sea of gnashing jaws and legs carried giant swollen eggs (like bloated rounded whitish kegs)
while with my help around them fell the dirt-crust walls where they would dwell
beside the woodshed door.

Termites, I thought, but then thought not; termites are white, and these were not.
They'd made no holes inside the beams, but piled sand inside the seams.
T'were harmless, since they did not bore, and since I cared to fight no more,
I left them by the woodshed door and vowed to come back nevermore!

When winter comes, I'll need the shed, but by that time they'll all be dead.

Funny pages on other sites

How To Shoot Yourself In The Foot in Different Programming Languages

The link goes to a Google Search for this sometimes laugh-out-loud article that exists in many different versions of varying length and quality. Original source unknown.